One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
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Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell