One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
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People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
boat question
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today