One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.