One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

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If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.


my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???


Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.


Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*


Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs


The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.


How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant


A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”


Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.