One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

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Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree


Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream


I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.


Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively


If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth


“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster


[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside


In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.


Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god