@mariana057

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

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@Be___Dope

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

@

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

@Gorrdano

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

@PoodleSnarf

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

@AndyRichter

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

@yoyoha

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

@CornOnTheGoblin

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

@deegeemindi

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

@upsidedowntrash

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god