@Be___Dope Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
@mariana057 One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
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@Be___Dope Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
@RebelWiACause My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
@Gorrdano I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
@PoodleSnarf Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
@AndyRichter If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
@yoyoha “I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
@CornOnTheGoblin [calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
@deegeemindi In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
@upsidedowntrash Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god