One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
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*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Me: it鈥檚 cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can鈥檛 see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I鈥檒l fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here鈥檚 a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I鈥檓 gonna need you to hunch over.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor鈥檚 hand* not yet
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time鈥ou are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Obi-Wan: it鈥檚 over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
That eye roll….
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
馃摳: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I鈥檇 ever share my wine with her.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can鈥檛 stop until you鈥檝e peeled your entire face off.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.