one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
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No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.