One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
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Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’