One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
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What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Hero horse inspires millions
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Seems legit
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.