one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
🐶😂
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
