One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
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Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday