One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
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I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
They did not miss in the small print
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard