one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
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Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
canadian assassins are called killergrams
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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