one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
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Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.