one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
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Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.