one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.