One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
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Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Everyone’s family
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that