One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
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me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall