One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
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My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
bears
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.