one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
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[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?