One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
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Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Worst bar ever.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark