One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
You Might Also Like
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too