One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
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I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”