One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
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Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.