one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
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Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.