One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
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April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
you gotta be faster
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
lost dog
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.