one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
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Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”