One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
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Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
emergency phone
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”