One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
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Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Raisins are grape jerky.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Most fashion shows these days…
I put the h in mysterious.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
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.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.