One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
You Might Also Like
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.