One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
You Might Also Like
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.