One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
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One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.