One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
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him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
wtf management?!
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend