@brennadine
@DogPishRed Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
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@DogPishRed 
@deloisivete *leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
@RexHuppke For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
@Brentweets Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
@Strippers_Diary “Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
@shopkins776 I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
@kylekinane I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
@kookiedelukey Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
@rockymomax FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
@amburgklur Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.