@brennadine

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

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@DogPishRed

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

@deloisivete

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

@RexHuppke

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

@Brentweets

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

@shopkins776

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

@kylekinane

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

@kookiedelukey

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

@rockymomax

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

@amburgklur

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.