One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
