One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
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My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.