One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
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[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
And now we wait
Never be a pizza!
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room