One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
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“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults