one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
You Might Also Like
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Never let them know your next move 😂
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Warm pools make me nervous.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.