One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
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Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport