One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
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Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt