One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
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i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
monday
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”