@dulcetry

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

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@ClassADude

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

@noog

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

@CherBear162

Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense

@stephenjmolloy

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

@living_marble

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

@RocketRankoon

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

@DrunjAF

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

@OllyiConic

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

@tweetfaver

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪