Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
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[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪