one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
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Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay