@CroweJam I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
@weedguy420boner one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
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@CroweJam 
@Daveastated It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
@Brampersandon_ [infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
@DranoRaul I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
@eggnook Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
@LizHackett [gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
@snatch_stache Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
@MegsHAUSTED Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
@DomBorrett Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
@thedad I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.