One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
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Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Me too, bag. Me too….
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.