@HumanPog

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

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@mjkspeaks

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

@Token_Geezer

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

@T_Bonezzz_

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

@Home_Halfway

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

@LoveNLunchmeat

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

@carlyken

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

@DebraTheWigLady

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

@WorkingMom86

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler