one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
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me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”