@erica_rosie

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

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@ColoradoUgly

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

@alymoemaly

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

@kelkulus

Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.

@heroofthehour

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

@othersome

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

@Kobbejaeger

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

@DreamsSarcastic

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine