One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

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The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.


I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.


Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.


whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.


the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr


It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.


Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine