@erica_rosie

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

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@dlockw21

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

@decentbirthday

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

@PaperFury

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

@Reverend_Scott

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

@girl_a_whirl

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

@ToriTheMom

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

@andlikelaura

BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally

BOOGEYMAN: what?

ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]

@underfleeker

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

@murrman5

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”