One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

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I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.


God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No


• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person


Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.


I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.


Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.


BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally


ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]


I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.


[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”