One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
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I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me