One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
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When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’