One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
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Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Brilliant!
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.