One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
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I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets