one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
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Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.