one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
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Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
our love story in four pictures
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.